Yuki Notes

The heart is beating.

We had a sad experience this summer. Although her news of pregnant at the end of July, it was found from the result of the inspection, the early miscarriage. After all, the heartbeat of a little new life was not confirmed.

My wife was crying beyond the handset. She is worried about the results of that inspection. It is not good news and she is suffering alone. My summer vacation is over. I’ll go home and stay with her.

This weekend, I did cooking for my wife’s birthday. The menu was pizza, marinated salmon, pickles, and offal cooked in tomato. Those foods and drinks were delicious, and we enjoyed it. Then she talked about the gynecologist. According to her words, there is a possibility that we can get infertility treatment. I little get confused. I can’t decide whether to have hope of getting a father.

My married life is fun. The time that we spend together are irreplaceable to me. I think it is difficult to know oneself though, when I got married I could understand my nature through her eyes. I can accept her advice at once. I feel my own growth in my middle thirties. I want to treasure my relationship with my wife.

I got married on August 15. Moving was so hard to me, but I am getting used to a new life with my wife. We work together on our housework. For example, cooking, cleaning, washing, and so on. I want to enjoy life.

After waking up, we embraced each other at dawn. In the middle of petting, she hoped me to insert. Sign of ejaculation made me hesitate. Although she said she doesn't mind that, I stopped finally. I suppose I am caught in an obsession. I want to express the love more freely.

In early April, I hurt her feelings with regard to sex. She said that she was very sad. I really regretted my foolishness. Although I have made hickey on her neck by mistake yesterday. I have to take a look at my unconscious violence. I hope I'm not too late.

This night, I will propose to her. I want be happy with her. In my private life, all I want is that. If we can’t have child, I will make her happy.

Early in March, the results of her test were good made me relieved. Although there is no life-threatening concern, it seems can not be expected having a baby. Because of congenital factors, she accepted the fact that she can't get pregnant in hers teens.

Almost one week before, I heard that she was suspected to have a critical illness. I don't know the details pending the result of a reexamination. To be honest, I feel nervous so much. What relation I want to meke with her. Maybe, I wish my partner to be with me even if I’m sick in future.

Confession about her gynecologic history made me nervous. The ripples of my heart were gradually subsided as times goes by. That night, when she swinging back and forth her body softly on me, her face looking down was very beautiful. We had a very relaxing, pleasurable time while traveling. I want to know about her mind more.

She doesn’t looks like anyone who I’ve ever met. But when she stares at me in bed, I feel like I’ve seen the expression of her eyes in the past. Her little open lips reminds me someone. I was confused about that just a littele. Maybe I think what I am attempting to find the love on her.

Although I  reach one's thirties, I’m not good at making the personal relationships. Maybe, I think I have a little trouble of Attachment. How can I live with another person in future.

Two years have passed since I got divorced. I don’t feel sadness, but sometimes I feel anxious. I have an inferiority complex to a married person.